-CAMPING IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD -swimming in the damn ocean -and a river -and a DIFFERENT river, I swam in so many bodies of water last weekend -we found cute salamanders -and fucking GIANT crawdads -I can set up a tent and start a fire like a damn champ -I think I'm going to find a job that allows me to live in the woods in a tent. like, for real though. I'll serve food in a national park for $9/hr if I have to, IDGAF -I had a good time at my friends' housewarming party, I'm glad I let myself be dragged out -the patio of the bar I was at last night was hella cute -it was good to get together with November again -I went jogging! and I kinda liked it. -oh, I chose the book for book club this time. we're reading Swamplandia! and I really like it so far -hmmmm. the food I am cooking lately is... decent. like, it's an acceptable thing to eat. it has spices, it's not just pasta, you know. I'm kinda trying. this isn't always true about my cooking. -my computer screen seems to be covered with glitter??? what have I done. I guess it's ok though.
ok I have to return to trying to buy shoes on Amazon. it's really overwhelming.
i didn't post yesterday because I was in a shitty mood and then I got high and then I got anxious as fuck. I feel like the worst human. and... IDK. I feel like part of being more positive about shit is also recognizing the times when I'm negative and feel like shit and can't deal with anything. if I never felt terrible I wouldn't appreciate not feeling terrible, or whatever.
anyway yesterday a thing that made me happy was thinking about making chocolate/peanut butter cookies in a mini muffin tin because they will be delicious and also really cute.
today I got:
gandalf. it's disgusting how much I love that stupid gross animal. ..............that was way too negative.
AGAIN: gandalf is adorable. pizza is good? hanging out at Ashley's was fun I sent Patrick a b-day gift!! I crocheted a Snorlax for him and sent Juanitas (they are the best chips). I hope that he likes them :) I got my bike fixed, it wasn't that much. fixed = the back tire replaced. there's other junk wrong but it's ride-able it's fine.
stretching to try to do this today. feeling kind of rough around the edges lately. I don't really know what to do.
-jeffrey lewis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! understands me -book club was good -work was super okay! -I went running so that was a good choice -I'm starting to look forward to making these little lists :) -gandalf continues to be adorable -the wireless on my computer was being all shitty but it works fine now. it was just in a bad mood?? -there is more twin peaks to watch
-reaffirming that not all of my friends are apathetic piles of garbage like me. and that is fucking great. -sarah is going to let me borrow an ARC of Acceptance I AM SO EXCITED
-friend offered me a ride home. I... took the bus anyway but that was nice of him! I basically live on the moon at this point, it's nice that people care even when it is not convenient to them.
i'm sad as fuck because of ~*~reasons~*~ (read: no reason at all) but here are good things:
-it's almost nick drake weather, I am going to listen to so much nick drake! -I caught up with Dylan today and it's been way too long, it was good seeing that fool again -work was totally fine. it didn't feel like I spent 80 years there wasting time. -not all of my friends are apathetic piles of garbage like me -I found a divey bar close to my place that I like
my computer's about to do a forced restart, I want to finish this first so I can't post more things. I'll try to think of more though. the power of positive thinking or whatever (I am pretty sure I've referenced that before. I have not read it. the title sounds like nonsense. fuck self improvement right?)
that was negative so one more good thing real fast:
I feel fucking weird and old and adrift and antisocial and bad this week. I don't know what's up with me. A bunch of little things.
So anyway here's a list of things I liked this week:
-the view of Mt. Hood from the Fremont Bridge -cigarettes (duh) -sunsets and riding my bike at them -a ridiculous unicorn painting I found at Goodwill -making gifts for people -Dev's mac and cheese -good beer -coffee -all the music I was into in 2006 -Gandalf <3 -brief moments of feeling like a capable adult. like making shit to take to a potluck at work instead of showing up with a bag of chips
I don't know why it's so much easier to talk about feeling shitty than to talk about feeling good. Maybe because feeling shitty has always seemed more real, and usually I pretend to feel okay but I don't and then I feel like a fraud and then I feel worse? Like people tell you to be yourself but when your true self is a shitty, negative mess no one knows how to deal with it. I don't know I don't know I don't know.
If I try to be Positive every day maybe it will help. This is what I have gleaned from reading the titles of self-help books. Fake-it-til-you-make-it or whatever.
I have had some wicked writer's block lately. I'm really flaky about writing fiction, but lately I haven't even been updating this or any of the billion notebooks I have strewn about my bedroom. Normally I write something every day, even if it's just whiny nonsense, but lately I haven't even been replying to e-mails.
Recently I kind of put all hope/energy into this job I was pretty sure I was getting. They've just kind of been stringing me along and still are. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about money and my family's starting to make noise about me moving back to Nevada, but I don't want to. I will do nearly anything to avoid that, in fact.
But that's not the point of this. The point is that I've had a lot of crazy fiction ideas lately but I can't get them down on paper. I think I am just trying to be too serious all of the time. I want to write something good that deals with some deep metaphysical issue and... it's just not happening.
So anyway I'm back to writing outrageous nonsense. The plot is basically "what if the world caught on fire and society collapsed, and I had to live in a dystopian moon colony?" It is dumb and I like it. My reasoning is that I will probably write something serious someday, but I'm not too worried if I don't. I just want to write words, fuck the industry.
Other than that I am fine. I am figuring out some other shit about myself but that's a tale for another day. I hope everyone in LJland is terrific, I will update again sometime.
1. I would go outside more often if I could put Burst Apart on my ipod, all I want to do is listen to this all day. 2. You can't sign up for spotify without a facebook account. THANKS GUYS. 3. I dyed my hair blue? It's really dark though, I look like the undead. I'm not decomposing or losing limbs yet, but I am definitely not alive. 4. It's time for me to get my shit together.
I really want to go to All Tomorrow's Parties. Because. Jeff Mangum and Joanna Newsom and the Magnetic Fields and Elephant fucking 6. FUCK.
But anyway my town is pretty rad for shows in its own right.
JEFF MANGUM IS PLAYING TWICE. And I might for realz go twice. That man is the only thing I believe in. Also Deerhoof opening for of Montreal, who are fun live even if I don't listen to them that often. And also the Magnetic Fields two days before that. Hot damn.
Going to shows is pretty much The Activity that I enjoy. Super glad I don't have to try to go to Coachella to ensure seeing Jeff Mangum, I can't afford that shit.